Computer Woes

My computer and I have been together for a very long time; since spring of 2002 exactly. We have had our ups and downs, but I really do love my archaic HP laptop. Lately though, I have been thinking it may be time for us to go our separate ways. Actually, the truth is that I have been plotting a break-up for some time now. The first thing I plan to do with any extra money beyond rent is to get a new laptop.

There are a number of reasons for this divorce, though I do anticipate tears when the relationship finally does end. My PC has traveled with me to the faraway lands of Australia, New Zealand, and Bora Bora. It moved through several apartments in various cities and time zones, provided a safe home for my stories and photos, and helped me stay in touch with friends and family over the years. The truth is I love it, despite the time I ripped off the “L” key because it was stuck. Sometimes love hurts. The problem is my PC has a major infidelity issue that has caused it more STD’s than a hooker without condoms.

Please to try to hold the “you’re-watching-too-much-porn” comments and come up with a better joke. My PC’s issues run deeper than penetration. Its issues have been ongoing for years and are not all even related to viruses. In 2005, I realized it no longer played DVD’s. The warning bubbles told me it had changed time zones too many times and I needed to purchase a $30 program to get it to function again. Why can’t I switch time zones and still be able to watch DVD’s in China, England, and Nigeria? I never even physically switched the time on the computer. Don’t bother thinking you could have fixed it. My father has been fixing all broken electronic and mechanical things in my life since the time of Light Brights and he finally acknowledged it as a lost cause. This event was the first of many signs that my PC and I are not going to end things smoothly.

When my dad has too much to do or I don’t feel like dealing with him, one of my friends in Philly always fixed the general virus issues in exchange for me doing dishes or laundry. Unfortunately, he didn’t move west with me and so I am stuck trying to figure this out on my own. I decided it was time for me to be a grown-up and solve this dilemma. After hours of complaining to anyone who would listen, which left me talking endlessly to my dog, I Googled my PC’s current virus of choice and got a set of instructions for removal. I can’t say enough that I am ever thankful that there are people out in cyber world who feel so strongly about computers and helping the computer illiterate, like myself, that they have blogs set up to combat viruses five minutes after they infest. I thought I had a new antibiotic resistant swine flu, but someone (a 12-year-old computer whiz) had already cracked the case. Nonetheless, with printed instructions in hand I still couldn’t get PCSpyware2010 to leave me alone.

As opposed as I am to anything but free spyware programs, I finally caved and purchased the newest version of Norton. Even though I dropped $40 on something I know one of my friends, or my father, could have fixed, I still felt a huge relief knowing my PC would be back to normal functioning. Closely following all instructions, I removed other free anti-virus and spyware programs from my computer and was ready to install my new panacea. Hold up! It refused to install! I tried several times and completely convinced myself I must have done something wrong. After cursing myself for never paying attention and assuming one of my nerdy friends or dad would fix everything, I called Norton.

It wasn’t long before a tech was logged on to my computer from virus-prevention headquarters, which I assume is located near somewhere very important like NASA or CIA headquarters. I hate it when people log on to my computer from other places; especially when they are complete strangers. I feel like they are judging my choice in screen savers or wallpaper. Sometimes I even think they can see me, regardless of the fact I don’t have a webcam. Anyway, the tech got to the bottom of why Norton wouldn’t install properly: I had a virus. Well, no shit Sherlock! Why do you think I spent $40 on your fucking anti-virus program?! Fully outraged, I asked to speak to Norton, himself. Instead the lovely tech transferred me to another lovely tech who was supposed to help me solve the problem so I could properly install Norton.

It took me a grand total of three seconds to realize where this was going. They wanted another $100 out of me to remove the virus that prevented me from installing the virus-protection program. I am no expert, but I am a smart woman. If I can figure out how to finagle my way out of speeding tickets and never pay for drinks at the bar, then I am pretty sure I can figure out how to fix this on my own for free. At any rate, my computer is from the stone-age, so there is little chance it is even worth the $140 that I was about to spend. Not to mention, the people out in cyber-space offering ways to fix the problem are 12 years old! I would feel better paying a 12-year-old $100 to fix my computer than a college graduate who works for this so-called Norton guy. At least I know that some day that child will contribute to society. Who knows? Maybe they will invent something remarkable, like a time machine or one of those air skateboards from Back To The Future. I have high hopes for these kids based on the fact they can trouble-shoot a computer virus that I spend 20 hours unsuccessfully trying to fix.

The thing that pisses me off the most about this whole situation is that it wasn’t a rocket scientist that put PCSpyware2010 and MemTurbo out there in internet world. No, no my friends. It was probably some loser kid, with no friends, and bad acne that decided to make my life hell. I really want to meet one of these fuckers so I can ask them why they don’t suck it up like every other awkward teenager instead of being a total buzz kill. Can’t they just dye their hair green and give other kids wedgies or something? I want them come out from hiding behind their computer screens and I’ll tell them how I really feel face-to-face. After a little bit of tough love, I will assure them that even though they are assholes, someday they can work for the Department of Defense. Or they could at least work for Norton, removing viruses from regular peoples PC’s, like myself.

For the most part, I was able to remove PCSpyware2010. Not completely, but almost. A few weeks later I decided to re-install the free version of AVG, the program I had used prior to purchasing Norton (which, by the way, still isn’t installed on my computer). AVG was updated enough to kick PCSpyware2010, but not before my computer slutted out again with the wrong crowd and picked up another computer STD, MemTurbo. It was like trading in gonorrhea for Chlamydia, but luckily both are curable. The only problem now is that MemTurbo prevents AVG from doing its job and from uninstalling AVG to work on virus removal. Basically, I’m fucked.

You know what the worst part is? It’s not that I spent $40 on a program designed to fix these things and it won’t install because the computer is still infected. I feel like a doctor is saying you can’t get Guardisil because you already have genital warts, even though Guardisil protects against other strains of HPV in addition to the one that gave you warts. The worst part isn’t even that my inconvenience was likely caused by teenage angst, resulting from the jocks picking on some nerdy kid with greasy hair. None of that compares with the true tragedy. The worst part of my situation is that I will spend the last days of a beautiful relationship with computer angry at it.